Just One Cup at a Time

Doubt

I doubt.  Alot.  If you asked me the question straight on I probably wouldn't say I'm a doubter.  But I am.  If things go my way then I'm all good and I have this thing called life all figured out but when they dont go my way...it's a completely different story.  I don't kick and scream and lay face down on the ground screaming...okay well maybe sometimes. 

It's more subtle than that and it starts out small.  It's like a little tiny doubt at the beginning and then I let it grow instead of trusting.  I let it go from something like the little shadow you see on your bedroom wall at night to all of a sudden that shadow (which is just your jeans lumped over a chair) you're now convinced someone is in your house and there's not much talking you down from there.  Ever been there when something grows out of control? 

 

When I don't choose to dwell on God's truths, my doubts creep in and sometimes they become a huge monster in my house keeping me scared and awake at night.  Fear. 

And then I read this and realize I have so much to learn:

            We want God to hand us what we want

            He says instead, "Take my hand and watch what we can do together."

            It may not be what we have in mind.

            But it's guaranteed to blow our minds.

            With goodness. With grace.

            With more than we ever thought possible.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory.  Eph 3:20-21

Are you looking for Him?  Are you on the edge of your seat knowing He can do more than you could ever ask and think.  I truly believe that we can live on the edge of our seat without living in anxiousness.  I don't always let this sink in as it should and I doubt, I let the shadow on my walls become a monster in my heart but He promises us that He will do even more for me.

Trust.

With more purpose

Last year I didn't visit here very much.  Looking back I see why now but I didn't see it then.  I was in a different place at the beginning of last year and pursuing things in life that took me off my usual course.  I didn't know it at the time but it ultimately wasn't where I wanted to belong, where my hearts desires really are and now, now that God has circled me back, opened my eyes a little more, I see that this is where I want to be.  I missed this place too.

I love connecting with people through blogs and writing and have noticed even more so over the past few weeks how much I miss each of them and how I've missed the chance of meeting some of the new friends I have made.  I love to write even though I'm not all that great at it and even though I'm usually one big run-on sentence I like it.  I think I like the expression of my heart in writing more than the actual art of writing but it's me and I like that part of me...for the most part anyway :).

I have realized that when I read, when I write or when I'm designing, I feel the most at home and it's when the noise of life truly goes silent.  I can hear my heart whisper.  I can hear God's still quiet voice.  I like the whisper.  It's refreshing, it refuels me and I walk away with my cup overflowing once again.

But to write here and be real and true and purposeful - that is my desire and also my struggle at times.  I have recently discovered Ann Voskamp.  Do you know her?  Now she's an incredible writer, incredible heart and story.  She has this great bloggers prayer on her website that I loved and can relate to.  This moved my heart to blog with a different purpose so this is now why I'm here (thank you Ann):

        May I write not for subscribers...but only for Thine smile,

        May my daily affirmation be in the surety of my atonement,

        not the size of my audience,

        May my identity be in the innumerable graces of Christ,

        never, God forbid, the numbers of my comments,

        May the only words that matter in my life not be the ones I write on a screen

        but the ones I live with my skin.

                                    Ann Voskamp

Love being back and excited to see where this goes.  I pray when you glance across these pages that your heart is somehow blessed, encouraged and maybe even a little chuckle or smile.  Grab a latte and join me sometime.  A. xo

 

A hedge of fog

Today is a new day.  Not new as in things from yesterday are forever gone replaced with what is here today - no today is just new.  Different.  Some things from yesterday still linger.  I was reminded of this early this morning when at that very instance that you wake up and things are just beginning to come into focus and you realize...yes it's still me I'm still here, this is the same place I was last night and oh yes that little part of my heart that has some extra stirring...yes it's still there.

I wish this picture could fully capture what the moon looked like Saturday night on my little Santa Barbara escape this past weekend.  The sunset was changing colors and for a few brief moments was casting shades of pink towards the East.  I walked to the other side of the wharf to see this view and there was the full moon hung in all its glory.  The valet had already pulled my car around but I asked them to hold it so I could run over and catch a picture of it.

Sadly it doesn't do it justice.  It was gorgeous in it's brief but seemingly long existence.

The fog rolled into the crevices of the trees and hills that were lining the coast as if they were sitting in the 2nd row allowing a hedge to form around them to protect.  It was safe.  I kind of feel like the fog right now, I'm content just to settle in the 2nd row, protected by a hedge and let God and others take the stage.  Kind of like how Job wanted a hedge around him to protect him.  It feels safer here right now.  Oh I'll be back in the front row soon enough you know me :) but for now this is good.  This is peaceful.  This is trust.  I know God is guiding me in His perfect timing to His perfect place...I just know it. 

Today I am trying to see deep - see deep beyond what's right in front of me and look for Him in all things.  I want to be thankful, yes oh so thankful.  "The art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible.  And it's the art of gratitude that makes joy possible.  Isn't joy the art of God".

Joy.

 

 

Sometimes.......

Sometimes you have to step out in faith.

Sometimes you have to make a choice to do what you know is the right thing to do.

Sometimes you have to trust like never before.

Sometimes your faith is stretched beyond any familiar ground you've walked before.

Sometimes you have to tell someone what you really need.

Sometimes it's scary.

Sometimes you get hurt.

Sometimes you don't.

Sometimes you look around you and realize you aren't alone and that friends are walking with you.

Sometimes unexpected blessings come simply because you obeyed.

Sometimes realtionships are strengthened in ways you never imagined.

Sometimes you walk away with your heart so full you can't believe what God just did.

Sometimes......sometimes there is healing.

A sweet friend texted me today saying she was praying for me and reminded me that "God is the great I AM, if I need anything right now He says I AM that something, if I need clarity right now He says I AM that clarity for you, if I need strength right now He says I AM your strength". 

He is definitely my strength today and has been recently.....

 

Just. One. Word.

I thought about this last year and never did it....this year it happened.

It just happened naturally and started several weeks ago actually.

This year a word found me....a word that I want my year to live out and represent like never before so I had to do it.  I had to commit to a word to live by in 2011.  You should too!  I dare ya ;)  It wasn't my idea - it was hers and I like it!

I have to live it.   I just have to.  I need to.

 
 Joy.

Friends

Friends.....I think it's a word that we sometimes take so slightly and use so carelessly.  Possibly even take it for granted....the word and the person.  I know I do.  Social media doesn't help, it actually illuminates the casualness of the terms Friends......

I turned to Webster - not sure why but I was curious about their definition of friend.  I was disheartened by it actually.

1. A person you know well and regard with affection and trust
2. An associate who provides cooperation or assistance
3. A person with whom you are acquainted
4. A person who backs a politician or a team, etc.
5. One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society aud welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant
6. One not inimical or hostile; one not a foe or enemy; also, one of the same nation, party, kin, etc., whose friendly feelings may be assumed.
7. One who looks propitiously on a cause, an institution, a project, and the like; a favorer; a promoter; as, a friend to commerce, to poetry, to an institution.
8. One of a religious sect characterized by disuse of outward rites and an ordained ministry, by simplicity of dress and speech, and esp. by opposition to war and a desire to live at peace with all men.

I mean on one hand I love that you can play a small role in someone's life and earn the name as their friend but....does that make for a true lifelong friend?  It makes me think of high school when you would do things for people because you wanted to fit it in and be their friend but it was temporal and so shallow.

The Bible says that "A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" Prov 18:24.  I understand this verse so much because I struggle enough being a good friend to those close to me and feel guilty when I can't extend the same time and energy and effort to so many others.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work just so I could be a better friend to people (okay well yes there are many other reasons why I would love to retire too :)). 

I mean from these definitions....If I happen to cooperate with you or assistant you at work, will you truly stick closer to me than my own sister?  If I'm not a foe or an enemy, will you truly stick closer to me than my own sister?  If we are simply acquainted through a social media outlet, will you truly stick closer to me than my own sister?

I think friends come in all shapes and sizes and many degrees of closeness.  They all serve a different purpose in our life.  As I pondered the real definition of a friend the other day I thought about what kind of friend I am to those in my life.  Do I call them friend to fit in or am I investing in their life, praying for them, loving on them.

Then you experience things in your life and you realize that you never would have made it through that situation or out of that trial without the friends that walked alongside you, prayed for you, loved on you, texted you, emailed you....told you that they loved you and when they did you knew.....they truly meant it!

I know my life is blessed because of friends!

I wish I could post pictures of all my friends but I can't...I would be afraid of missing someone so I'll post a picture of some friends that have been true friends for over 24 years!!!  I love these girls and we recently got to have dinner and catch up!!